cookies really should only be eaten in the winter and fall

i hate the word rectify, shut the fuck up

gf & i kissed on the subway, lady sitting next to us STARING in disgust. she got up, said god loves you and handed us this lol she said these homos gonna learn today

if i get drunk at brunch im hate texting my mom that i’m not a girl

i love making direct eye contact with a traffic cop as i do the exact opposite of what they say

i just asked my mom how she feels abt having two gay children and she literally burst into tears

sorry for luring you over with sex but then just talking about my feelings

it’s fart with me friday. do yall fart with me

eating a beef stick on the subway, we’re reaching new highs today folks

[delusionally] maybe if i get really really good at bird identification this'll all get better

first ethel cain song on my discover weekly, am i doomed to an eternity of queer suffering now?

sometimes there’s such a thirst only milk can quench

I’ll eat a hotdog at 7am I don’t give a fuck

i moan loud as hell & if u don’t like it, go to a different olive garden

it reeks of blue cheese on the 5

reminiscing abt going for a check up when i was 13. i stepped off the scale and my tiny filipino doctor said “wow you’re HUGE”. almost ended it all right there

I need to hire an intimacy coordinator for what I’m about to do at Chili’s

Gay bar time!!!! Woowhoo!