U must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean r dirty, the ocean does not become dirty ~ Gandhi

🎶u can't always get what society says u waaaaaaant 🎶

Trying to make my own memes, so far they all just say "Shutterstock" am I doing this right?

the wow reaction is the funniest thing on facebook in 5 years

Pants so comfortable you'll never have to wear them!

will I have to tip the bot that replaces you at your job?

from me and mine to you and yours, happy birthday Bob Marley!

how are the schools in Margaritaville™?

"I don't know man. I never use my own stuff" -me when people ask where to follow me on social media

1st pass at shaving- get 90% of whiskers. 2nd- get 60% of the remaining 10% 3rd pass - 30% of sink is blood

I can only speak for myself but by far the worst part of being president HAS to be playing golf

I feel like I always ruin sexting when I say "eggplant 100 was my father's name"

I'd love if people pointed to me and said "that guy doesn't care what anybody thinks" but only if I look cool

"how does he make all those wonderful toys?" -autistic joker

Cats! Nature's dogs

I DON'T use deodorant cuz I never lose my cool* *leave the house

At this point my family are just like old roommates. They saw me naked too many times and now we never talk