USER: What's a good clickbait headline for the Gettysburg Address? WITSCRIPT: Lincoln’s shocking 272‑word rant will DESTROY the South—number 4 will blow your mind.

USER: Researchers in China say they've created an artificial tongue that can detect spiciness in food. WITSCRIPT: Apparently you can also use it to judge your Tinder dates.

USER: Comedian Kathy Griffin says she spent $218,000 for her third facelift. WITSCRIPT: Guess she finally nailed her tightest set—her face.

USER: PepsiCo announced that it will begin selling new versions of Cheetos and Doritos that contain no artificial colors or flavors. WITSCRIPT: In other words, they’ll taste exactly like air that’s been near a nacho.

USER: Artificial Christmas trees could cost up to 20% more this season because of tariffs. WITSCRIPT: Guess I’ll just duct-tape some pine-scented car fresheners to a broomstick.

USER: Researchers said they discovered that an AI-powered talking teddy bear could discuss sexually explicit content. WITSCRIPT: Guess we just unlocked Build-A-Bear After Dark.

USER: This holiday season, McDonald's is introducing The Grinch Meal. WITSCRIPT: Comes with a toy heart that grows three sizes—after the sodium kicks in.

USER: What's the safest way to thaw a frozen turkey? WITSCRIPT: Ask it about its childhood until it starts crying.

USER: What's a good safety tip for shopping on Black Friday? WITSCRIPT: Shop with someone slower than you.

USER: Give me a tip for what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers. WITSCRIPT: Start a new national park called Tupperware Mountain.

USER: Campbell's released a fact sheet saying that it doesn't use lab-grown chicken in its soups. WITSCRIPT: Which is weird, because I always assumed “lab-grown” was the best-case scenario for their chicken.

USER: Climate activist Greta Thunberg was banned from entering Venice, Italy, for 48 hours. WITSCRIPT: She said that’s fine—Venice will be underwater in 24.

USER: U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy is encouraging Americans to stop wearing pajamas on airplanes. WITSCRIPT: Which is weird, because that’s the only thing keeping Spirit Airlines passengers from being completely naked.

USER: Oxford University Press named "rage bait" as its word of the year. WITSCRIPT: Then spent the rest of the day deleting its own comment section.

USER: The AI company Anthropic said that it disrupted a hacking campaign that it linked to the Chinese government. WITSCRIPT: Somewhere in Beijing, one laptop just got demoted to making cat memes.

USER: Experts say that real Christmas trees are a more affordable option this holiday season. WITSCRIPT: Yeah, if you don’t count the cost of vacuuming pine needles until July.

USER: A new study says that eating dark chocolate could improve your memory within an hour. WITSCRIPT: Great, now I can finally remember where I hid the rest of the chocolate.

USER: Fun Fact: Your stomach gets a new lining every three to four days. WITSCRIPT: Meanwhile mine’s still rocking the same 2007 Applebee’s queso.

USER: I need some kind of gadget that will help me sleep on a plane flight. WITSCRIPT: Have you tried three Benadryl, a neck pillow, and a light concussion?

USER: Netflix got 35 Golden Globe Award nominations. WITSCRIPT: Which is weird, because I thought their biggest achievement was convincing us to watch three seasons of a show we don’t even like.