Remember if your flight gets cancelled most airports have a secret fleet of backup planes with lots of seats but they’re only available if you’re mean enough to low-level employees.

the women who post photos of themselves in an item of clothing along with their height and weight in the review section on clothing store websites are the backbone of this country

Who said it, my 3yo or my cancer diagnosis?: “You have to run after me. Wait actually I’m your teenager. And you are my dad but you become a lava monster and THEN you run after me. And you have to say ‘We only make wands we don’t use them!’ but I don’t hear you. Then you die.”

Happy New Year to those who celebrate

I went to “Mom’s Day” at my 4yo’s school. Learned a lot. I’m not really sure where to start but I’ve never consumed lemonade in her lifetime, the only person who even uses my computer is her and strawberries is a real reach. Also please note the rad purse she gave me ❤️‍🔥

I’m back. Lost my blue check mark and not even sure what I’m doing here but I’m back. Thank you in advance for the 12 likes this will get. I’m lit on pain meds after a bilateral thigh replacement. Just got out of acute rehab 2 days ago. What better time to do my little remarks 💞

I hope the neighbor who paused to listen to me explain death to my 4yo for the 15th time this morning thought I did a good job

They call giving birth “labor” and the only other thing they call labor is actual labor

Remember how 4 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer after my first opinion said I just needed to “lose the baby weight.” Not much has changed since then. Recently I asked the bone surgeon about recovery time. He said, “Well I know you have a little extra meat on those thighs.”

My Multiple Myeloma is “well-controlled” but I’m not in remission. Going on 4 years of chemo. And I’ll always have to have treatment. I have an appointment this Thursday! I actually don’t mind. Love the nurses, love my doctor. Now if only they had a childcare option 🤔

Me: Did you make a mistake? 4yo: It wasn’t a mistake, it was on purpose for no reason

Nurse: Get this. Our patient broke his foot, brought his walker too far into the MRI room and it got sucked into the machine! Me: Omg! Nurse: It gets worse. He’s a cop and had his loaded gun in the little caddy of that walker. Me: WHAT?! Nurse: They had to call the fire dept

All the other zodiac signs are so complex and multi-layered, interesting, weird, dynamic, and then there’s Scorpio where everyone’s just like “what a murderer.”

There should 2 ways to become a doctor in America: 1. The usual way, or 2. You are a regular and storied patient with complex stuff going on (professional patients, I call us) being treated by the health care industry for a minimum of 4 years. Come at me.

If you’re in a group of people watching the sunset and nobody yells “There it goes!” as the sun dips below the horizon then you’re probably with vampires who are already plotting so get the heck outta there

I think I’m gonna start my war on Christmas early this year. Retweet to enlist

Hi @chrissyteigen big swing here but can I borrow $95k for surrogacy? I can’t carry because I got cancer right after my 1st was born but we really wanna have one more. There aren’t fertility loans and it’s too steep on our own. Mom to Mom - help me out and I’ll pay you back?💕💕