All I’m saying is that when I risk prison to bribe my kids’ way into college, it won’t be USC

The 8-year-old chose banana bread as the food that signifies his culture and heritage and my poor abuela is rolling over in her grave right now.

Does the 8-year-old think homework is helpful? No, no he does not...

Final cleanout of our old house...all that was left was a bottle of sake in fridge and this in the freezer. Worked so f-in hard to feed those babies in the early days I’m tempted to use this in their pancakes tomorrow.

I didn’t hang out with my kids at all between breakfast and dinner today, and I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate my motherhood than by forgetting about it for 8 hours. #MothersDay2019

I’m not sure what happened during Angie’s grooming appointment today, but I only paid for a bath and cut.

Angie’s ruined three rugs and we’re praying her stench comes out of the couch cushion, so yeah, that’s how we got here.

Just enjoying a lagunitas IPA while the husband checks my head for lice bc this school year will not end quietly.

Only slept 5 hours and have ignored my kids all morning so I can finish The Power before brunch, and now thinking of all the things I could have accomplished in life if I’d approached them with the same tenacity I do book club.

In today’s edition of “this house seems like a money pit” the ceiling is leaking...and it’s 95 degrees out and sunny.

Just performing my annual ritual of writing out teacher thank you notes and having a good ugly cry, and wondering if next year I try doing this before I open the wine.

You can bitch to me all year about what a crappy dad your husband is and I’ll sympathetically nod OR you can post a father’s day tribute to him and I’ll like it/maybe even comment, but you can’t have both.

Move to the hills, they said. You’ll love the peace and quiet, they said. No one mentioned a damn thing about the millipedes...millipedes!! In the house! On the patio! In my nightmares!

Blew out my hair, slapped on some mascara, and squeezed myself into the good jeans but apparently missed the part in friend’s text that said Saturday.

This is what happens when you let your 8 yr old binge ⁦Nailed It!...

Dropped off our pup at her doggie resort and I’m a mess...how does anyone have the emotional strength to send their actual children to sleep away camp?

Hardest part of a solo 6-hour flight with two kids? Getting the damn luggage to the Lyft pickup.

Kids constructed an oven to make s’mores, so I think we’ve officially exhausted every summer activity.

Two months and two $5 carrot plants have produced a harvest fit for a guinea pig.

If the rise on Madewell jeans gets any higher, my pants can double as my bra.