Sorry I said "ouch" when you showed me a photo of your new baby.

I’ve been thinking about buying a Volvo. It’s all over for me, isn’t it?

“How much for the textured lube?” "That's crunchy peanut butter, Sir!" “...How much?”

I’m reading a book about levitation. I just can’t put it down.

As a young man I’d meet mates in the pub every Sunday lunchtime, where we’d swap stories about the stupid shit we’d done the night before. Nowadays, young people find out almost instantly via social media. I can’t help but think they’re the ones who’ve missed out.

I once spotted Michael Portillo carrying a baby elephant.

My dad always used to say, “the proof is in the pudding“. A lovely man, but a terrible wedding photographer.

If you've ever been able to cook a recipe that includes “leftover wine”, we can never be friends.

Do you remember when Twitter made you smile more than swear?

At work we recently discussed what the ‘kids’ listen to nowadays. I tuned into Radio 1 for about an hour. I think I can safely say that they mainly listen to shit nowadays.

Fucking foreigners, coming over here and saying something sensible!

Don't get upset when people unfollow you. It's not personal. They probably just think you're shit at Twitter. You're welcome.

I came into some money recently. The bank teller wasn't impressed.

My dog growls at his own arse after he's farted. I love that idiot.

I'm hitting the town for the first time in ages tonight. The ladies still love the smell of Hai Karate, right?

President Obama wrote two Spandau Ballet hits. I don't know which ones but I believe it's true as I heard it through the Barrack aides.

I wish God hadn't made me so gullible.

[wedding ceremony] "If anyone knows a reason why these two shouldn't be wed plea..." "SHE THOUGHT MIRANDA WAS FUNNY!" *groom steps back*

If anyone refers to a non-travel experience as a journey, I think it's only fair to refer to them as a twat.