the only good thing about having hot friends is using them as bait to get guys to come to your shitty parties

I walk around like everything's okay but deep down the lining of my already disintegrating vintage coat has fully detached at the arm hole.

Can't remember the last time I put something in the microwave without a gnawing fear it might melt/shrink/self-combust.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to send all future Apple receipts to an inbox I no longer check.

My cup runneth over with decaf dating advice that belongs in the trash. x.com/Cosmopolitan/s…

Applying an opulent gold leaf finish to all my notecards at work tomorrow. #GRAMMYs

The sudden shift in focus from Blue Ivy's cat purse to Rihanna's flask feels like an accurate metaphor for life in 2017. #GRAMMYs

I wish I could end some conversations as swiftly as Ryan Seacrest does on the red carpet.

Halle Berry's buoyant curls look like a safe place in which I would like to be nestled for the next 4 years.

@GabriellaJcW Hi! I work at Cosmo & would love to use this on our Bitch It Out page. Do we have permission to publish your tweet & handle?

@JenniferNaill Hi! I work at Cosmo & we'd love to use this on our Bitch It Out page. Do we have permission to publish your tweet and handle?

When you realize you posted the same story as your friend and that endorsement deal starts to lose its sheen.

Front n center on my summer seventeen mood board:

Now if only I could get a Joanna Coles narration of my life each morning I ascended the Hearst escalator... x.com/joannacoles/st…

Signs that your dating standards are on the decline:

Emerged from the courthouse behind Kyra Sedgwick this AM feeling like I won a landmark case when all I did was postpone a jury duty summons.

Feeling underrepresented? Defeated? Fed up w/ the buffonery? Read this: cosmopolitan.com/run-for-office/ Especially proud to be on #TeamCosmo today.

If you're not horrified by the epidemic of sexual assault against women until you become a husband or father to one, you're too late.

on this Day of Takes, this is a Good One hunter harris vulture.com/2017/10/damon-…

AYYYYYY 🍾🍾🍾 pour one out for me Jessica Goodman x.com/asme1963/statu…