Dusty Cheerio Found In Dorm Closet Reminds Student Of Those Who Came Before bit.ly/3MLvV4i

Product Of 900 Years Of Inbreeding Unsure Why His Fingers Look Like That bit.ly/3zoBwIv

Friend Telling You To Put Away Money For Retirement Can’t Put Away Dish In Dishwasher bit.ly/3z4YbZZ

Gmail Schedule Send Successfully Tricks Professors Into Thinking You Professional, Responsible Early-Riser bit.ly/3FaPEsg

Midterm Elections Ask Voters To Decide Fate Of Democracy And Also Pick Guy Who Runs The Snow Plows bit.ly/3htdo15

OPINION: This Is Just Like Hogwarts! By A Freshman Witnessing Law Quad, Hippogriff Attack bit.ly/3TqbKdZ

BREAKING: FINAL GRADES, DECEMBER EDITION DROPPING

Tiny Home Couple Reveals Not-So-Tiny Divorce Settlement bit.ly/3BxAieJ

Apple Announces Carbon Neutral Child Labor By 2050 bit.ly/3YkVrCT

Kid On Baking Show Whose Cake Fell Taking It Like Real Fucking Loser bit.ly/3WrVfQy

Computer Science Passion Project Crumbles To Pieces After Grandma Asks What An App Is bit.ly/3HOaKhl

OPINION: “I’m So Much More Than A ‘Nepotism Baby’” By The Great-Granddaughter Of An Irish Potato Farmer Who Just Ordered Fries At Wendy's bit.ly/3C1qfiy

Crippled, Impoverished Victorian Boy Somehow Holds Secret To True Meaning Of Christmas bit.ly/3jveYk8

Santa Constipated bit.ly/3WuSkHi

BREAKING: Santa To Put Carbon Credits Instead Of Coal In Naughty Kids’ Stockings This Year bit.ly/3Vo7ufO

New Tattoo Embroiled In Controversy At Family Holiday bit.ly/3WpIhD4

Nation Readies For Tradition Of Seeing Extended Family In Pajamas bit.ly/3YP3Tus

Professor’s Entire Life Revealed After Temporarily Sharing iPad Home Screen bit.ly/3w3q6aK

Blue Bucks Reach Parity With The U.S. Dollar For The First Time In Two Decades bit.ly/3CO0Bhx

Glad to see our grounded, hard-hitting journalism is finally reaching an audience of truth-telling patriots. Thank you for doing your part to tell the real story, Wendell. More on this story: everythreeweekly.com/2021/04/sickly…