Since they're getting rid of the penny, it will be a "nickel for your thoughts" I don't think most people's thoughts are worth that much.

Once Costco has to raise their hot dog prices because of tariffs, the civil war will begin.

They renamed it HBO Max to see if people who used to call it Max were loyal or they'd be fired,

When my credit card says I have an outstanding balance, it sounds like they're complimenting me.

Now that they're going to stop making pennies my stripper bar "make it rain" maneuver is going to go up in price substantially.

6 months ago I got 3 little Monstera plants for the living room and today I need a machete to answer the door.

I'm so short I can bungie jump with a standard bungie cord.

Forget Walmart camo wear, I wear my yellow hoodie there and hide next to the bananas.

Those unsolicited business cards I find taped to my door by landscaping companies are a nice reminder that it's time to mow the lawn.

Why does raising falcons get their own respectful name as "Falconry"? I have two parrots and all I get is the crazy bird guy.

I don't know why people are so upset that Fauci took covid so extreme, when WebMD tells you to go to ER when you get a nosebleed.

It's cute when Suge Knight is telling Diddy what he should do in court, like it worked so well for him.

It must be fun to read last minute written term papers as a philosophy professor

Do they put cameras in the doctor's office to see if the patient is snooping around the sliding drawers when they are alone and put the results in the examination report?

If you fall asleep on the couch and have a wet dream, it's called a wet nap.

People said Obama couldn't be president because he was black and he won, then they said Harris couldn't win because she was a woman, I think America is ready for an intersexed candidate.

Having an analog photographic memory in a digital world.

I think my Rice Krispies are talking in morse code, they're telling me to assemble them into one giant Rice Krispie square and wait for more intel.

Buttermilk? if we have to combine two dairy products together why can't we have ice cream yogurt.

The guy who made the fireplace channel was inspired by Andy Warhol's film Sleep.