A haunted house but it’s actually just the world we live in.

If you don’t dress your baby up in something hilarious and self serving while they don’t have a say, you get your kids taken away. Sorry. 🎃

A haunted house, but it’s just a house with bunch of people in your life saying “I need to talk to you later”.

Video challenge: Video your young daughters in ten years when you explain to them you voted against their bodily autonomy cause grapes were too ‘spency ☹️

My ballot didn’t include the option to vote to end paper straws. Anyone else?

Respectfully, if you’re not prepared to talk about Cynthia Erivo’s riff on “limb” in “I’m Not that Girl”…I’m not interested. #wicked

I’m not doing resolutions for myself this year, but I have some notes for y’all.

If you at all stand to benefit …in ANY way, from something I’m hyper fixated on? YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME. That level of commitment and drive is elite. Don’t ask me to fold the laundry. Literally never happening. #adhd

Breaking News: Micheal Che and Colin Jost to receive a PAY CUT for their work on SNL’s Weekend update. Producers of the show site that they aren’t spending writing jokes anymore they are just reading the actual news.

Why is “Floyd Collins” going again? #tonyawards

“Hi there, I won’t be in to work today…I’m calling out Sara Bareilles and Cynthia Erivo performing for The Tony Awards' In Memoriam. I’m not well. Thanks.”

Yeah sex is fun but have you ever stood in your kitchen sobbing while watching people shaving cancer warriors’ heads then shaving their own?

I will never look at ceiling fans the same. #KarenReadRetrial

Dear god, Can we do a swapsies? Hear me out-You give us Malcolm Jamal Warner back…

I’ve been thinking a lot about this Tylenol causes autism thing and my only question is release the Epstein files.

Mom: you get back here! Teen: no! (Teen leaves) Mom: where are you going? Teen: I dunno! Probably go out and do a buncha Tylenol. (Slams door) Mom: (through tears- whispers) oh…oh dear god…no please no(yells) NOOOOOO! FIN.

Haunted House but it’s just a silent room with a nose sniffer, an open mouth chewer and a lip smacker.

Imagine protecting ped🌸 phi les being bad, but not like…a deal breaker.

I recognize the excitement that Marjorie Taylor Greene is making sense…BUT remember the only thing you’re agreeing on is that children shouldn’t be sex trafficked. Recalibrate your dopamine. She’s still a hateful, racist, homophobic, transphobic, fear mongering bigot.

Person on their Spotify wrapped: OMG THIS IS SO ACCURATE! no…see…that’s the point. It’s data. It’s actual numbers which are…categorically accurate, Tiffaniegh.