doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more. chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

I still think the last PEANUTS strip should have been Charlie Brown trying to speak but the only thing that comes out is WAUGH WAUGH WAUGH, and he realizes that his childhood is over.

We lived off neon-colored processed snacks and long-extinct carbonated beverages. Nothing was ever peaceful or homemade, babes.

obsessively checking this user for updates

That would be Threads, always Threads

Growing up in the country with dropped-off cats, I’m very familiar with rabies. One cat contracted it. But did you know, rabies makes mammals so hallucinatory, they do some wild shit? I saw a mother raccoon overhand THROWING her babies from a tree. We knew animal control well.

Saying "good girl" at the right moment will basically turn her into an affectionate puddle but if you time it wrong or introduce the slightest bit of cringe you should flee the country

hugh grant simply MUST stop taking all these sexy love interest roles

I forgot how much incredible stuff is available on kanopy Free with your library card!

“Why do you want to see a movie about a terrible person like Oppenheimer who caused so much death?” idk man, the same reason I watch horror movies, because I’m a total piece of shit I guess

evil

I asked my job for a raise by doing what every article told me to do and sent over data about what my role in my location is currently getting paid + the value I provide and my HR team literally responded “go work somewhere else then good luck” lmfaooo

I won’t be elaborating

my favorite thing I’ve been reading about Paul Reubens is that he never forgot someone’s birthday - and that likely meant way back before phones he had full calendars and Rolodexes and he just spent his time curating joy for others and what a thoughtful man ❤️

THE PICTURE😭😭😭

Me on the way to get a lil fall morning treat (will spend $87)

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”

Kevin James reading this tweet: