Car dealership trying to gain the upper hand with weird uncomfortable seating choices but jokes on them because my mind is a prison

Her: You must be the 12 foot tall almond milk sponsored skeleton at Calabasas’ Nights of the Jack if you think we’re fuckin. Me:

It’s Peanut ButHER and JellHE, not PB and THEY.

Making up increasingly threatening songs for my cat about his upcoming neutering

Just got an Amber alert notification for a gray Hyundai Elantra while driving a gray Hyundai Elantra ama.

Just watched a guy put 550 bucks on a Subway gift card if you were wondering whether the lives of others were knowable

My father was the first person to fall 1500 feet to his death in a Skyzone

Captain just came on the intercom to clarify “there is nothing wrong” preflight so look for us on the news.

Was showing my grandma pictures from my engagement and she scrolled to this on accident

Fell to my knees at this stray

Brunch, brunch never changes

Have only seen the trailer for Weapons but my understanding is all those kids are from the Sound Village

*Halloweentown Realtor Doing a Disclaimer Mid-Pitch to a Young Family Voice* The neighborhood is so charming, pumpkins DO scream in the dead of night. You will hear that.

my dog found a grinch bone in the woods and i didnt call the police

Been talking to the pilot through the door, he says I can fly the plane if I let everyone go!

I’ve moved since this tweet and the gas station down my new street also exploded and I also missed it.

The New England Patriots are going to do this on national television today