In light of recent events, I need to clarify that when I sent copies of “How to Become a Federal Criminal,” to members of Congress, the goal was to educate them, not to encourage them.

7 USC §§8305, 8313 & Federal Order DA-2021-0003 make it a federal crime to fly from Puerto Rico to any U.S. state with raw pork in your luggage.

18 USC §1382 & 32 CFR §552.18(n) make it a federal crime to pick up a hitchhiker on an Army installation.

21 USC §§331, 333 & 21 CFR §189.301 make it a federal crime to produce wine with a tin-coated lead foil cap after February 8, 1996.

42 USC §271(a), 42 CFR §§70.1 & 70.11(a) make it a federal crime for an airline pilot to not report to the CDC that a passenger on board has had persistent diarrhea.

18 USC §922(g)(3) and 924(a)(2) make it a federal crime to have a gun if you know you’re an unlawful user of, or addicted to, any controlled substance.

18 USC §793(e) makes it a federal crime to have unauthorized access to national defense documents and willfully keep them.

Pie crimes (and misdemeanors)

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18 USC §1073 makes it a federal crime to flee the United States to avoid being taken into custody for a federal crime.

46 USC §10908 makes it a federal crime to knowingly send a ship to sea in unseaworthy condition.

16 USC §§703, 707 & 50 CFR §20.91(a) make it a federal crime to offer to buy swan feathers so you can make a woman's hat with them.

21 USC §§331, 333, 343 & 21 CFR §155.120(a)(4)(iii)(a) make it a federal crime to sell canned green beans that you say are “stringless” unless your beans are, in fact, stringless.

21 USC §§1037(b)(4), 1033(a)(2)(D) & 1041 make it a federal crime for the operator of an egg plant to let someone leave their egg plant with eggs that were colored with an unsafe color additive.

46 USC §11501(4) makes it a federal crime for a seaman to willfully disobey a master’s command while at sea.

21 USC §676 & 9 CFR §317.8(b)(5)(ii) make it a federal crime to sell a 1-pound or smaller package of sliced bacon if the transparent bacon preview window is located more than five-eighths of an inch from the top or bottom edge of the package.

7 USC §§8313, 8306, 9 CFR §§93.310 & 93.300 make it a federal crime to try to sell your quarantined zebra while it’s still in quarantine.

16 USC §1338(a)(6) & 43 CFR §9264.7(a)(8) make it a federal crime to take a wild free-roaming horse off federal land and use it in a rodeo.

21 USC §§601(n)(7), 610, 676 & 9 CFR §319.762 make it a federal crime for a tongue spread seller to try to improve the spreadability of their tongue spread by adding non-tongue meat fat in such a way that it detracts from the tongue character of the tongue spread.

This has everything. Bears. Falconry. Interstate transportation of game.