I hate taxes. Everytime my ship comes in, the government unloads it.

The only man who has never told a lie to his wife is a bachelor.

Got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

The favorite music of Irish teenagers is Sham-Rock.

All you need to know about Canadians is that their military bases close for snow days.

The hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

If you want to understand politics, you have to read between the lies.

A fool and her money are soon romanced.

Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you all riled up in the first place?

A fool and her money are soon romanced.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

A court date is still technically a date, right?

If you want to understand politics, you have to read between the lies.

Visitors to Las Vegas are divided into two groups...the "Haves" and the "Hads".

Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

I can make my wife do anything she wants to do.

Bungee Jumping... Suicide with strings attached.

The lord works in mysterious ways... kind of like those road maintenance guys.

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop from overhead. For $15, you can activate it."