I’m 28 today which is the first time you’re 30. 27 is the last time you’re 25, which is weird because 25 is the last time you’re 21.

why a bug would spend such a long fraction of its short life immobile on my ceiling beats me

This would fix me

A painting from the episode "Krusty Krab Training Video."

Simply incredible satellite imagery of a dust storm hitting Chicago this evening.

absolutely horrific blow to white boy summer

Had a dream last night that I bought a pack of Zyn because I was jealous of all the fun that people seemed to be having. You won’t get me that easily, Big Nicotine. Are sinus infection dreams a thing?

big spider on my wall I trust you Eat bug Keep distance

I love that I mixed this guy 4 months ago at subterranean and now he’s spitting straight fire to millions of people

Plopped some cherries on the self checkout machine today that rang up for $18. That was an embarrassing “call attendant” moment for me but I simply can’t spend that much on one fruit type

This is why I am a real summer head, whom can relate

Finally some good news

Guy who goes on his town’s missed connections Craigslist page every time he leaves the house just in case someone fell in love with him at the grocery store

being a zillennial is great because i’m not cheugy or brainrotted. in fact im nothing at all

I am the sole proprietor of “sent with lasers.” If I have to say something crazy I will be sending it with lasers. Get ready

One of my male fantasies is to get famous and throw a first pitch at an MLB game. I want to blow everyone away with my 55 MPH 4-seam fastball low and away. My god, he’s famous AND he can paint the corners of the zone??

My friend: Dude c’mon do it! Me: Nah man let me get a few beers in me Party: (Chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Me: haha yoo chillll (suddenly becoming deathly serious) I backed my car into a copcah, the other day Wellhejustdroveofsometimelifesok Party: (goes ballistic)