Before Lexus was invented, The December to Remember Sales Event must have sucked.

The only goal I have is to not die in an M&M's store.

Her: I’m leaving you Me: You’ll never find someone who knows more about circus history than me Her: This is my new bf, Fred

If you were ever at a Home Depot and didn’t hear The Eagles, you may be entitled to a cash settlement.

My ex and I constantly argued over getting haircuts or talking sports. This was pre Sport Clips you have to remember.

I just read a report that humans eat 50,000 plastic particles a year. How does this happen?!

Besides Alvin and the Chipmunks, what are people's favorite squeakquels?

It's so hard to roll jean jacket sleeves past your elbow like this!

How do I know my friend is pyscho? He called me. On the PHONE.

Who am I?! I'm the guy who brings home pizza and says "I'm doing the dishes tonight!" THAT'S who I am.

UPDATE: My mom couldn't get the thing to play! But now it's playing!

My kid asked a picture of Santa to hold her this morning.

I'm a little surprised there aren't more people named Santa.

I have the same disappointed tone for telling my daughter not to throw food and for telling Alexa to skip a Pandora song.

I just saw a guy running in a non-wicking cotton shirt! Is that-- I mean-- ca-- can he do that?

If I don't get an accidental FaceTime call from my mom everyday, I start to worry.

I'm old school (I don't own any clothing from podcasts).

I'll go to Dave or Buster's. Not both.

“In the future there is a machine that washes your clothes for you.” “Anazing, so your clothes just get silently washed?” “Oh, no. While they’re being washed it will sound like your house is collapsing.”

New drivers will never understand Chevron without Techron.