You always hear about the parents who wake up with their kids creepily staring at them, but not enough about the parents who narrowly avoid a broken nose when the kid dive bombs them in bed at 6:30am.

My toddler woke up at 4:30 and has started crawling out of the crib. We did the dance of sending him back to his room 4-5 times until we said he could read quietly in his room. We were then serenaded with screams of “I DON’T KNOW HOW READ!” for 10 full min until we gave up.

Just once in my life I’d like to have the kind of renewed energy of my toddler after a 3 min car nap.

Anyone who thinks the walkie talkie function on a baby monitor is superfluous has never had to threaten their toddler while they attempt to crawl out of their crib at naptime.

Just casually listening to my husband and toddler talk in the next room about all the reasons you can’t eat poop.

Did I give my toddler a cookie before bed? Yes. In my defense, would you say no to this face?

“Mama, I’m just going to work on my echoes a little bit, ok?” - My son, as we exit our car in an underground parking lot

Ever been head butted by someone that you love more than life itself? Then toddler parenting might be for you!

I knew that one day my son would wake up after an NYE party covered in his own barf, I just didn’t think that it would start at 2.5 years old.

I finally saw Tár and now all I want to talk about is Tár.

My 2 year old just told me to “use my words” instead of nodding in agreement. 🫠

Same. But a car.

Today in toddler land, I just bullied my child into taking a nap.

Not me crying during a game of Keepy Uppy at #blueysbigplay 🥹 Official Bluey TV

“I’m so sorry I misgendered your cat!” - an actual sentence that was said to me yesterday.

Yes Chef 👨‍🍳 💙🍕

In hindsight, drinking a THC infused beverage and then slipping down an alien Tik Tok rabbit hole for an hour is not a great way to get a good night of sleep.

Happy Drive to Survive new season day to all who celebrate!

My freshly potty trained son excitedly calls me over and says “mom, I’ve got something to show you!” every single time he poops… and honestly, I’ve never been prouder as a parent.

“I’m an AMC A List Member, does that mean nothing?!” - the leader of the white male mob that complained about the projector glitch in our screening of Killers of the Flower Moon… a movie about bad behaving white men.