Your brain vs your brain after just one weed #PokemonSwordShield

“Maybe if you have any lucky socks, you should start wearing those” - the 6 year old living downstairs after I let him beat me in our daily race just now. How do I recover from this

Corporations today

I will legitimately remove my degree from its frame to hang this #LoveThatMasterpiece #Sweepstakes

I’m “survivor confident” that CBS is never going to let us hear the end of that phrase #survivor

When I ask “would you still love me if I was a worm,” this is the kind of worm I’m talking about

happy pride to the greatest stand up set ever

The children yearn for capitalism

Halloween is over

This is how it feels to read the news everyday now

imagine clocking a gag here…

They’re doing this to me tomorrow

Please please please please please

Should I set an away message on my work email for tomorrow’s rapture

Him: you better not be a coy little poinsettia when I get there Me:

Lactaid only works for those with a pure heart

This is my 2012 Mayan calendar

how it feels when your posts are averaging zero likes

Jimmy John's delivery guy just asked to keep my pen? I'm guessing I didn't tip well enough?