I came home to find my roommate watching TV and eating cottage cheese...out of a milk carton! #TimeToMove Jimmy Fallon

My neighbor from across the street came over one morning and said "Hey y'all got new sheets on your bed!" #TimeToMove Jimmy Fallon

I once called in sick because I found a lake house for rent, turns out my boss owns a lake house that he leases out. #WorstLieEverTold

I once tried to impress my date by showing her my motorcycle. While talking, the real owner came and drove it away. #WorstLieEverTold

I saw a huge line of cars outside of a church this morning. I don't know if it was a wedding or a funeral...Either way, a man lost his life.

People say exercise makes you live longer...I just did a workout today, and now I feel closer to death than I've ever been!

The State Flower of Texas should be changed from the Bluebonnet to the Orange Construction Cone. #AllSeasonLong

While out shopping, I once found an unattended Walmart intercom, and then tried proposing to my girlfriend. #WhyImSingle Jimmy Fallon

I once dated a girl who was in the military, I would always laugh every time she said the word "duty". #WhyImSingle Jimmy Fallon

CVS has "You're my one and only" cards on sale! 4 for $5. #DontForgetTheSanchas

*Arrives to the Pearly Gates* St Peter: The password to get in is...Worcestershire Sauce. Me: Oh crap...

Some people laugh about how competitive I am...But it's okay...At the end of it, I laugh more than they do.

I have a family history of people being Hypochondriacs... It really makes me feel sick just thinking about it...

I got the honor to meet Don 2 years ago. Nothing but pure class! As a young comedian, I got advice that I will never forget. #RIPDonRickles

#ColorBlindProblems

I am 4 followers away from 700 followers! That's 699 more followers than my mom said I would have! #TellYourFriendsToFollowMe #ImFunnyNStuff

Still need a lot of help! Moving is expensive! Anything is a blessing! Thank you so much to all... gofundme.com/s4vc33k?pc=tw_u

I'm earning #mPLUSRewards in Family Feud 2 iOS. getm.pt/422qmo

Thank you to all who have donated! Y'all are amazing! Much love.... gofundme.com/s4vc33k?pc=tw_u