Literally every time I find my phone by ringing it: "Ooh, a missed call!"

My son is crying because I wouldn't let him take the bath plug to bed. #toddlerlife

At least I know when my toddler is about to do something incredibly dangerous because he shouts "Ready? GO!" to himself before launching.

I've been glancing at this thinking, "I really don't get the strong eyebrow trend." Stray hair grip.

I also like to cook "ruggedly", with tinned food. I'm basically Rick Stein, you know? #SaturdayKitchen

I can't help but feel that the Jurassic Park themed episode of Peppa Pig would be greatly improved by some escaped velociraptors.

The toll for using these stairs is one ear scratch per journey. #dogsoftwitter

More #DogsAtPollingStations please.

I don't often walk into a room and forget why I'm there but I do open a new browser tab and then wonder why I did so, daily.

The fact I'm -eventually- able to leave my toddler's room at night makes me certain I'd be good in a hostage crisis.

...Most hostage situations are solved by the captors falling asleep and letting go of your hair, right?

Me, before 2nd pregnancy: "I'm totally going to eat better this time around." Also me: *Has multi-pack of Frazzles next to bed*

He hates when our democratic process interrupts his afternoon walk. #dogsatpollingstations

George Osborne still doesn't have as many jobs as Miss Rabbit.

3yo, hearing rustling: "What you doing?" Me: "Tidying up, darling." *camera pans to a shot of me eating a Kinder Bueno with my head in a cupboard*

Unexpected sentence of the day: "DON'T pick your sister's nose, darling." 15 seconds later: "DON'T EAT IT!"

#LifeLessons When standing on the bed, vacuuming cobwebs off the ceiling, for goodness' sake keep your mouth closed.

Harvey is feeling a bit sorry for himself today as he has a poorly ear. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself because I have to convince him to let me clean it. #dogsoftwitter

"You're not Father Christmas!", said my 3yo, with great vigor, as I just about managed to scrape him off the ceiling long enough to put him to bed. Mate, there's a bag of poorly wrapped action figures in my wardrobe that suggest otherwise. #ChristmasEve

"I want to go to bed!" wailed my 3yo, despite being demonstrably in bed and previously asleep. #ChristmasEve