[phone rings] mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery agency! ashley: we solve any crime by dinnertime! [beat] mary kate: [covers phone] he says his wife's been shot ashley: hang up

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

KOKO: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag. KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense. KOKO: jealousy professor

A liberal is someone who opposes every war except the current war and supports all civil rights movements except the one that’s going on right now.

Ma: 👵BOY! Me: ⛈️ 🧍 Ma: 👵You’ll catch yer death! Me: ⛈️ 🏃ᴬᶦⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵒⁿᵉ ᵖˡᵃʸᶦⁿ Ma: 👵Pa…light that varmint up like a Christmas tree My psychic Pa: mhm 👉😐🫳✨ Me: ☁️⛈️ ⚡️ 🧎🏼ᴼw Ma: 👵👇Now levitate his be-hind over here

I’m sorry but bl*esky simply cannot provide this, it cannot scratch the crank itch in all of us. Regrettable, but simple facts

Yeah one sec *does this*

These are the best tweets (note: some salty language) 🧵

how much of a dumb fucking cocksucker are you, still sending money to the new york times. it must be like buying Monsanto commercials on DVD

got fooled by an even less valuable mineral that they're now calling "imbecile's gold"

DESTINY: ok whatIthink ishappeninghere is a binary fallacy andwhat NORM FINKELSTEIN: MR BENELLI, I FORGET YOUR NAME. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN READ

Big congratulations to everyone getting outflanked by Alex Jones on this

How do I get this into liberal heads: BIDEN ***IS*** COMMITTING GENOCIDE is exponentially worse than: TRUMP ***WOULD*** COMMIT GENOCIDE If you don't hold those currently in charge accountable, you have no principles. NONE.

[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message