Oh good, another school closing tomorrow. As if those kids aren’t stupid enough already.

This must be heaven for a scat fetishist

Movie night at work

This is like blackface to us

She loves my new John “Soap” McTavish impression

Honey, have you seen my Fleshlight I bring to work?

Hard day I guess

If you want to stop a dog from fighting you’re supposed to stick your finger in its ass. Surprisingly enough, that’s what my gf does to me to stop me from yelling at her

I hope your reclining sofa with the 12 charging ports burns you alive.

Alright let’s get this drinking started

Doing a little tinkle off the back deck teehee

My mom texts me to tell me about my female cousin’s slip and fall at work and gets mad that I texted back “PAYDAY!!!”

My gf better hurry up and get home. I’m already a few 12% beers deep and my 5 year old son has gotten into the gun safe.

I had no idea they made another Scream movie after 2

Coroner: “Well, it took some time, but we finally found his heart, in his ankle”

“Hey honey, do you need anything” (please don’t say you need anything because I’m not getting it)

My new open top faucet in my bathroom just splurted water all over my face and chest after the plumber turned the water off and back on and didn’t bleed the air from the lines. I feel like a chick that tells the guy she’s blowing “Tell me when you’re gonna cum”. I feel dirty.

White people will never let a semi clean wad of wet paper towels go to waste. Before I know it my mother is wiping down the stove next minute she’s outside cleaning the dashboard of her SUV.

Me when I finger my gf’s butthole and pull out a Hershey kiss