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"He's not ugly but like he hunts a lot" kels

Why do ppl gotta fuck the spelling of their kids names? Did they wake up one day like "let's see how hard I can make it to pronounce Eric"

I love it when people tell me I can't, it just makes it that much more satisfying when I prove them wrong.

I don't get how girls get those long ass claw nails like how do you function without stabbing yourself?

Everyone who works at a bar knows that token fucktard that talks about trump, rape, and every other fucked topic, on the top of their lungs🙃

People that put stacks of cash on their snap story are fucking lame. Like cool, I too am employed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was a vegetarian until yesterday when I had a vivid dream about a burger and so I ate a burger. I haven’t had a burger in two years yolo

You know you had a solid cheat day when you wake up with a kit kat wrapper stuck to your forehead.

140 characters: ugh can't finish the joke 280 characters: the pressure, the crushing pressure, it hurts, so much space, so much freedom, what do i even do with it, i cannot believe i can keep going, how is this still going, will this never end, please end, sweet death release me

I have a lump on the side of my neck am I dying?

Kevin is my favorite human on planet earth bc he let me get a bear at build a bear today 🙆🏻‍♀️💕

If you’re one of those people that secretly wait for others to fail, then you fucking suck and need to find happiness from within✨

Almost every morning I wake up after a night of drinking I have rearranged my apps and or deleted them 🤫

I just really want to be in an all girl band haha WHO WANTS IN? 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤

Do you want to know what disappointment tastes like? It tastes like a fat scoop of land o lakes butter on your chip instead of French onion dip.

We trying to save money but I just ordered light up heelys while Kevin ordered an assortment of giant food shaped gummies #MoneyManagement101

The most country man I’ve ever seen asked me to switch the tv at work to the races and I put on RuPaul’s drag race and he didnt even chuckle a lil bit

Just opened the door to the side room at Droneys to ask a girl if I could use a bike and she grabbed her shit and stormed out. Pretty sure I pay the same amount for my membership lil twat #sharingiscaring

Don’t chase Kraken with ramen. You’ll puke.