My last ship cabin was so cold, I found myself wishing I had a TaunTaun to cut open and climb inside. #IYKYK

I like Beyoncé and I love Post Malone, but…yikes.

Sometimes when the nail salon techs are laughing and speaking in a language other than English, I laugh and pretend to understand, just to make the other customers feel inferior.

Waiting for almost an hour for the LAX-IT shuttle to pick people up for the Lyft lot, is unacceptable. It’s after midnight, I’ve been traveling for 14 hours, and I’m miserable. STAFF MORE PEOPLE.

Even if you found a baby sasquatch living in a dumpster behind a Dairy Queen, adopted it, and then educated it on absolutely nothing but Jerry Springer reruns and beef jerky nutrition facts, that sasquatch would still make a better congressional rep than Marjorie Taylor Greene

My toxic trait is saving thousands of cool recipe videos that I absolutely know I will never even attempt to make.

I need to be the second Jill to wear this outfit. 🥰🤩🥳

Hoof trimming videos > Pimple popping videos

Girls don’t wear SKIMS because they actually think they look good in them…they wear them to show off that they can afford the high price.

Had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Dwayne Johnson, and he was exactly as cool and kind and fun as you would imagine him to be. So we’re besties now.
🪨❤️👩🏽

If the phrase, “boys will be boys” came to life.

It’s like humans dressed in costumes, came out of the break room to start their shift acting like gorillas.

A woman just asked if I was from NY, because I “had a very New York vibe”, and I was so flattered, I kissed her right on the mouth.

I think Jake Paul has actually turned out to be a pretty good athlete, but fighting Iron Mike?? Not the move, son. 😵😵‍💫🥴

me when mike tyson accidentally kills jake paul

'Isn't it past your jail time?'
Groucho Marx could not have delivered a better retort.
Jimmy Kimmel's line is worthy of posters,bumper stickers,crowd chants ,T shirts...
Trump made a mistake attacking a comedian while live on stage .
Jimmy Kimmel
#jimmykimmel

This. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Every AirBNB has the “no parties or events” rule, but if I’m booking a house for ten guests, what exactly do you think we want to do there?

Just googled “chilaquiles pronunciation” before deciding if I should order them.