When you text someone “morning honey” and it autocorrects to “morning homey” and you sound like a nerd from the 90s trying to sound cool and urban

I just want to quit my job and eat garlic knots full time.

Heading to Walmart wearing garish, ill-fitting clothes and no makeup out of respect for the local culture

How come every time I take a melatonin pill I end up having dreams about talking cats and having sex with Dan Ackroyd?

Is it you shit rainbows and fart glitter or you shit glitter and fart rainbows?

Another thing I struggle with lately, it’s been impossible for me to have friendships with other females. Cattiness, competition, general meanness. I’ve always been like Elaine from Seinfeld, and most of my friends are guys. I think instead of fighting it now I’m going with it

Having another one of those mental health struggle days, were you try to pick out the good things and the hopeful things and stop yourself from hitting a mental brick wall. It’s tough. But we all gotta keep going

I'm making a giant sausage and pepper southwestern strata with homemade cheese sauce. Who wants breakfast?

Gonna dress up in reverse drag as a Post Malone impersonator. Gonna call myself Stick McGinty

Good morning

Still Here? My workplace is where all the clowns ended up after the circus closed

“It’s like one flew over the cuckoo’s nest at this place and sometimes you just have to put on a straight jacket and play along”

Me describing my workplace

Today was one weird ass motherfucking day. Wow

Wait. Is tomorrow Fat Guy Tuesday?

Happy Monday, folks

All of us turning 50 this year, let’s not deny it, but embrace it. Call up the energy of the majas, the playful yentas, the coastal grandmas, the quirky and lilting older ladies, who smell like heavy perfume, wear big jewelry, who embrace life in their older age. My mom was one❤️

People who still use the expression, “Fuckin’ A!”

The neighbor character from the movie Office Space

Main characters in edgy Netflix series during ironic moments

People in Buffalo, New York

This is still my problem. I went to a student art show this week, and I put on a beret, thinking it would make me look cute and “artsy.“ When I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like a wilting mushroom. Oh well. I tried. Must be my flat head

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

Victor Hugo