my nail lady, (the lady who hammers nails into my abdomen) is coming over later to do my nails

i remember one time i was outside listening to a song

all i gotta do is collect the songs and my car will sing them for me :)

keep referring to the black mold growing in my apartment as ‘an influencer’

god i kindly ask that u kill me slower

once u start hanging around with a screaming gaggle of waterfowl, u start to find out who ur friends are that hate screaming gaggles of waterfowl

my bully got veneers and he looks awesome :/

if u tweet something nobody likes. that makes u a genius. bc u said something that nobody else could even comprehend

my wifes gonna kill me if i dont dodge her stabs

(gravely) and the chef has okayed this? he knows what im about to do here?

i was found dead in a Home Depot parking lot again today

agh yes. bed time, perhaps it is time to perform my most reasonable sleeping posture

they have begun to refer to me as “The Hothead of Subway” at my local Subway due to my frequent outbursts

the U.S. needs to be putting a lot more money into R&D for legendary birds.

my latest breakfast addiction

that dude is whys beyond his years

the world if Justin Bieber had grown up playing kingdom hearts

figured out the meaning of life but then i fell and hit my head really hard and now i think the meaning of life is hitting your head as hard as u can

me: feels like its getting worse, huh? passerby: im just passing by

situations are often scary. yet theres really nothing better than after youve “gotten situated”. i have much more research to do on this matter