MY MAN: (comes home) ME: (nervous) how was the store MY MAN: fine ME: oh thank g — MY MAN: ran into jolene ME: oh no MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail

Have you noticed that the more legal trouble trump is in, the less orange he becomes? This is due to the expansion and contraction of his chromatophores, which instinctively react to danger. One of nature’s most fascinating forms of camouflage

It’s weird that “a society that is generally happy” is such an unthinkable possibility for so many people

RIP henry kissinger. Never *felt* someone getting dragged screaming into hell before but there’s a first time for everything

It should be legally binding that if you are busy playing tag you can’t be asked to sit at your desk and work

In A Christmas Carol, Scrooge merely threatens to fire his one employee before the holidays. Even Ebenezer couldn’t fathom doing something so heartless and cruel as doing that to 1100 people in an extremely successful company

It’s weird that Israel is culturally Jewish because its vibes are more like some sort of deeply criminal Super-Texas

The United States needs actual democracy so bad. The closest thing I can compare our system to is having to perform sacrificial rituals to try and contain a Great Evil

getting my Voter Information Guide in the mail feels like receiving an accursed object

99% of all the infighting on the left about how people should vote would be solved with either ranked-choice or approval voting. Both are literally, MATHEMATICALLY better at registering people’s opinions on who should be running things by huge margins. THAT’S the system we need

a hero of the world #characterdesign

I don’t like that the cops are going to step on every cricket they see, but I have to admit that otherwise this is a pretty good protest idea. #feedthecrickets

if this were any other foundering empire Biden would be replaced by an alarmingly young boy child who’s controlled by a manipulative dowager countess and her scheming eunuchs