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son: *counts to ten* wife: good job me: (smugly) eleven

News headlines from radical woke left “scientists” claiming no discernible difference in taste of white people and black people. “You can’t taste race” they’re claiming

the tariffs are gonna raise the price of jacking off

steve harvey: name somethin you might find in the shower me smiling way too big: um steve i’m gonna say soap steve harvey: in YOUR shower?? [crowd cheering] me: [smile fading] steve i uh steve harvey: SHOW ME SOAP [giant red x buzzer sound] me: b-but steve [crowd goes wild]

Took about 2sec for the right wing propaganda machine to lump “ukraine” in with the “radical woke left”

teaching my son to cook with fresh herbs so he doesn’t get ripped off trying to buy weed in high school

Changing my last name after I got married because my wife started copying me

You wouldn’t get me down there for a million dollars

you’re telling me a wreck tiled this function?

One of the rich people should pay somebody to do it while they can still afford it

“dead cat bounce” sounds the newest most annoying type of music

My grandmas trailer?

Btw it works the other way too. If you gain 10% and then lose 10%, you net -1%. E.g. 100+10=110, 110-11=99. That’s because (1-p)(1+p)=(1+p)(1-p)=1-p^2

This is true, and it’s also how you know humans are innately evil

If I was up a creek without a paddle I would simply float back down

I wouldn’t dare!

you can stop taking your antibiotics once you start feeling better

my baby want a burger shes been tellin me all night long

she got my dick in one hand and a vape in the other call that Dicks VapoRub™️

ok but why is everybody running so fast