When you have ballet practice at 9 but the bins need to go out and it's cold. #TheTraitorsUK #TheTraitors #TheCelebrityTraitors

The Scottish Government is putting an extra 25 million pounds to help cut NHS waiting times. They are hiring hitmen for patients who have spent the longest time on the lists. #jokedump

When asked, everyone involved in the West End production gives the same response, "Paddington is Paddington." To which Brian Cox replied, “Tch! Another bloody Method Actor!”. #jokedump

Rachel Reeves delivered an unusual pre-Budget speech this week. Unfortunately, unlike video streaming services, Chancellors don't come with a “Skip Intro” option. #jokedump

Sailors in Portsmouth have remotely piloted a "wolf pack" of drone boats, in a live exercise. The Navy says it was a "milestone" demonstration, and only stopped when they ran out of coins to put in the slots on the Ships’ Wheels at the amusement arcade. #jokedump

Work on a new sculpture on the border between Scotland and England will begin in March. It is expected to cost 12 million pounds, which seems like a lot of money just for a giant fist with the middle finger raised. #jokedump

Reports are saying Trump is remaking the White House in his own image. If that were true it would be bright orange, with no insulation on the roof, and the Ballroom would be incredibly small. #jokedump

A pensioner from Strichen in Aberdeenshire has discovered her childhood music teacher was Hitler's pianist. She should have guessed. She wanted to learn to play ‘Chopsticks’, and he wanted her to annex Poland. #jokedump

A reconstruction of a Bronze Age coracle has been completed 50 years after the prehistoric boat was discovered buried in Fife. This is impressive, as it is still ready much quicker than the new Calmac ferries. #jokedump

Under the Government’s ‘one in, one out policy’, now Andrew and Fergie have gone, the Royal family are duty bound to accept Harry and Megan back. #jokedump

NASA has hit back at Kim Kardashian‘s conspiracy theory that the moon landing was all fake, saying this is just a case of the pot calling the kettle black. #jokedump

A Glasgow Labour councillor forgot to turn off his camera when he went to the bathroom during a live streamed committee meeting. He now claims that he was just following protocol as all motions have to be passed through the chair. #jokedump

Following the heist at the The Louvre Museum, investigations revealed that the museum’s security has been poor for over a decade. In 2014 the password for security systems was ‘LOUVRE’. Which is a bit like having your safe words as “OH YES!”. #jokedump

The Duke of Sussex says one of the things he loves about Britain is the spirit of good-humoured "self-deprecation". He’s right, we are very good at putting ourselves down, we pride ourselves on that!. #jokedump

bbc.co.uk/news/articles/… Has anyone considered the possibility that that they might be a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men could be survive as soldiers of fortune. Just saying...

Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie burst forth as The Goodies for the first time on this night, 8th November, in 1970. Their brilliant brand of humour proved instantly successful and their series concluded only in 1982. comedy.co.uk/tv/the_goodies/

Sketches, songs and 70s memories in WHO DO YOU DO? (1972) 9:10pm featuring #FreddieStarr #PeterGoodwright #JoanTurner #PeterCavanagh #BarryCryer variety #TPTVsubtitles

Whoever is the new Director General at the BBC, hopefully Tim Davie will stick around to film the regeneration.