That was one of the most batshit press conferences of Trump's public life. He brandished a photo of Putin and promised to deploy the US military to occupy Chicago, New York, and San Francisco. A sane country would be moving toward impeachment and removal right now.

Natural peanut butter is the best. Whenever I used to have regular Skippy or JIF I’d be like “you know what would make this better? A 1/4 cup of oil just floating on top”

You know what's crazy? There have been no op-eds or editorial statements in major newspapers this year calling on Trump to resign. None calling for his impeachment. None asking if he's medically fit to be in office. Not one in any major newspaper all year.

idk why people are acting like we don’t already have all the beatles movies

Sick stuff. Tormenting this man. Splitting him from his family. Sending him to be tortured abroad. And now removing him to an African country that he has literally nothing to do with. Insanity. Cruelty.

1993: Murder was the case that they gave me 2025: I’m escawwed of cartoons

So true so true. And also this reminds me of the old tv show twin peaks.

Oh my god. There is a fascist takeover, and the main reaction from one of D.C.'s leading Democrats is to require multi-million dollar contracts with the multi-billion dollar police industry to give the soldiers and vigilantes more surveillance technology.

Me writing a 1200 word prologue to my two ingredient quesadilla recipe: One thing that I love about food is the flavor.

So bummed the job I applied for rejected me for failing their reading comprehension test. But it brightened my day when I saw the news that Randy Travis and Lawrence Taylor got engaged.

“So golden brown so plump so tender, the meat is literally falling off the bone” — interpreter for the visually impaired describing President Trump

now that i drive regularly, i've become so fascinated by just how terrible and dangerous the median American driver is. like, all of the rules you have to learn to get licensed seem to slowly get replaced with "take the most selfish and impatient action at any given time"

Well we’re not gonna use it

Just had a bat in my house. I understand Bruce Wayne now

your millionaire teacher is marrying your billionaire teacher

Oh you got a 27" computer monitor? You wired up a whole big separate box that lets you watch every little thing your PC does? And you wonder why it doesn't feel safe enough to install updates without your permission

[the near future] HER: Oh my gosh there's breaking school shooting news. They're saying none happened today ME: By god this isn't the America I know

calling in an air strike on an enemy concentration of chewing gum stuck to a park bench

Margaret knows what’s up