I would simply be nice to Carrie

“You’re corrupt, got a shit political record, are a known sex pest, and nobody likes you. Maybe we lie abt Mamdani being sleepy?” Andrew Cuomo’s chief campaign strategist

please respect my privacy during this difficult time

i doubt i’d get too far on “America’s Got Talent” but I’d be an overnight sensation on “America Takes Naps”

Chris Pratt’s the type of male improviser who’d wear shorts onstage. There’s a million worse things abt him but everyone’s already pointed those out I wanted to make sure this was covered too

fuck it, I’ll finish writing “The Winds Of Winter”. Hope you like dragons obsessed w “General Hospital”

cashier at Ralph’s had a name tag, and under his name it said “i love rock and roll.” I said “you love rock and roll, huh?” He said “Yesiree, I LOVE rock and roll” We shared a good natured chuckle

“Sorry, i can’t come in tonight, my kids won’t stop sobbing abt the new Cracker Barrel logo. My 2yr old keeps screaming ‘why do they hate our traditional values!’”

i'm not doing great the last 48hrs, and dealing with it by obsessively listening to the same three Violent Femmes albums in a row over and over. Can you guess which three? Winner gets a photo of me giving a "thumbs up"

never been persuaded by an argument that begins w “let’s be real”. Did you think we were all living in Fantasy Land til you came along, oh male savior?

Theory: the very first laugh was from a caveman who thought he was in danger, then realized he wasn’t. Fear: i go back in time to factcheck that, learn the hard way the very first laugh was from a caveman who saw me eaten by a sabertooth tiger

Proposal: every time there’s a mass shooting, every politician who voted against gun control gets shot in the crotch w the same model weapon used in the shooting. Twice if the mass shooting involves kids

i do hope “Alien: Earth” is a show abt Xenomorphs vs ICE because not only would I watch that, I’d cast the fuck out of Dean Cain

Bums me out that three of the Beatles couldn’t even sit in the same row at this point.

detrimental to my self esteem when Postimates delivery is a dude on a scooter. “Yeah, we’ll take your money, but you’re not important to us”

never forgive NBC, ABC, CBS for kowtowing to the fascist government. And if the pendulum ever swings back, don’t forget either

oooh, is J.K. Rowling available? Actors need experience from which to draw upon, and Joanne has plenty of experience being a vile, loathsome, bottomless pit of evil whose name most people prefer never saying darkhorizons.com/hbos-harry-pot…

The X-Men are better than the Avengers.

not much for conspiracy theories but MAGA’s gone full Arlington Road

um… teeth are ALREADY three dimensional. Crest out here making us pay for a service we don’t damn well need! We must stand together against the tyranny of Crest, and try Aquafresh - the toothpaste of the people!