If your child has eczema, switch the kind of lotion you’re using. Buy the small bottle. The tiniest one. When it runs out. Get another small bottle. Do NOT buy a big bottle or, Heaven forbid, the two pack. As soon as you buy a lot, it’ll stop working.

If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, I wouldn’t impart wisdom or share any life lessons. I would tell little me that parenting karma is real, and to eat my damn dinner.

Friends who don’t make you feel like they’re doing you a favor with their friendship are priceless.

Target cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for? 3yo: Sometimes on the potty, my pee washes my butt.

Have you noticed how the subjects of these celebrity media crazes are usually women? You can sum up every headline: “Woman behaves in a way some people think she shouldn’t.” Stop giving this toxic pseudo-journalism your attention.

My youngest said she wants glasses for Christmas. Not pretend ones or for dress up. Prescription glasses like her brother and I have. My daughter wants an astigmatism for Christmas.

“I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” is not a good show to watch if you don’t have regular periods but you do have anxiety.

I like to see kids being kids because then I know it’s not just my kids who are kids.

Watching Olympic Women’s Gymnastics: “Ooo big step out of bounds for Italy.” - Me, barely able to round a corner without breaking a toe.

I feel like the worst adult when I get out of the shower, see my raccoon eyes in the mirror, and THEN use my makeup remover.

Small child: I just want my family back Santa guy: K here’s some TicTacs bye

When I was little little I thought Christmas Eve was called “Christmas Ease” because you’re supposed to take it easy. 30 years later I still think my logic was solid. Merry Christmas Ease.

Merry Christmas to whoever decided to put lines on wrapping paper

5yo: Mom? What’s twat? Me: What?? 5yo: What’s twat? Me: Uummm 5yo: Like when a horse is running Me: OH! Thank God

No one ever hated themselves healthy. Whether in mind or body. Love yourself relentlessly to your destination.

5yo: “Why is there bedtimes every time? I wish I just had batteries in me.”

5yo: “Do you like my face? It’s made out of princess.” This was sweet, but then I was terrified. Either way, it’s the energy I’m taking into my day. Don’t fuck with me, my face is made of princess.

Not me running around the house to see which white noise machine suddenly came on. Rain. It was raining outside.