My favorite conversations are the ones where I walk in the room and the cat says "meow" and I say "what did you say??" and he says "meow" and I say "that's what I thought you said."

what they think I'm doing in the weekly team meeting: Listening. Analyzing. Being thoughtful. Driving revenue. what I'm really doing in the weekly team meeting: cat in the graph

"what kind of dog do you have?" Nine-syllable breed name, followed by an explanation of the breed's history and how we came upon owning this dog "what kind of cat do you have?" black one

Our cat's top 5 least favorite sounds: 5. Anything that's like water 4. sound of the dog existing 3. Plastic bag rustling 2. Anything that hisses 1. "NO. It is NOT dinnertime."

which mental illness is it when you're at a party and someone starts talking about your favorite piece of media and you have to silently do breathing exercises because they're "talking about it wrong"

I have a bit with the cat where he'll walk tentatively into my office and I say, "hello sir, do you have an appointment?" And he meows, so I say, "sorry sir, we don't take walk-ins." And he meows again, so I say, "alright we can make an exception." Then I pick him up and hug him

Potato salad must go so hard if you can't eat gluten or dairy

there is truly something so disturbing about talking to someone and they don't laugh, don't crack even a whisper of a joke, and don't show any indication of experiencing humor not in like a mean, curmudgeonly way either. just: 🙂

You die the hero or live long enough to become the villain. I'm now the kind of regular at a coffee shop who tells the barista, "I'm doing something crazy today!" when I order a different drink than I usually do.

we made all those sci-fi robot downfall-of-humanity movies throughout the 2000s-2010s just for the white house's official real-life stance on AI to be, "hell yeah let's speedrun this bitch"

my brain: "wait! are you sure you have the right number for your gate?" Me: "My gate? Like for the flight I took on Friday?" my brain: "yeah. i think u have the wrong number, double check it." Me: "For the flight I successfully boarded 4 days ago?" my brain: "yeah that one"

never take a book recommendation from someone with an MFA. it will take you 2 months to get through, you'll hate every second of it, and then the ending will be so beautiful you'll cry

the only thing more embarrassing than posting on LinkedIn is posting on LinkedIn and getting zero likes

because I might need that for an emergency not this one, of course but a later, hypothetical one

have girl scout cookies always been this sweet or did I just grow up