🎵You say potato/ And I say potato/ You say tomato/ And I say tomato/ Tomato/Tomato/ Potato/Potato/ This doesn’t work in text. 🎵

Honestly the whole thing is just a big pope-ularity contest.

Coincidence?

Yeah that was your asd boy on The Rehearsal.

You, a commoner: Wee-Jee Board Me, a polyglot: Yes-Yes Board

"Yes," I tell the therapist, "I am perfectly stable." Then, under my breath, I whisper, "...able to stab."

The celery stalk is the cuck of any plate of buffalo wings.

Alamo Employee: What movie are you here to see? Me, blanking: Um… you know… the uh… symmetrical boy? Alamo Employee: Phoenician Scheme, theater 1.

<extreme Fred Schneider voice> “FLIP-FLOBSTERS!”

Not much, and you?

The thing is, I got into comedy so I could maximize shareholder value.

Huge if true

I say this with love: What the absolute fuck, Maine?

Unfortunately, Sherman's Books is Portland, ME is the only store in the whole country selling Kate Sidley’s brilliant new book, How To Be A Saint. If you find it elsewhere, buy it to prove me wrong!

Same

Zoiks

I stand with Jimothy Kimmel.

trump, you have no faith in medicine

Who's that handsome young cleanshaven lad behind him?