Hey coffee folk - don’t steal jokes. There’s an RT button if you liked my idea.

Andy Beshear: Justice for Breonna Taylor - Sign the Petition! chng.it/Y2MNj75G via Change.org

I just ate 10 meatballs while watching American ninja warrior I'm so sorry everyone

On Sunday mornings I always wish I had cable.

I went on vacay for a week and wore a bra once the whole time. I'm on a plane home, but if u think I'm wearing a bra, ur trippin. #boobvacay

NYC impresses me sometimes- Kanye West just walked in the gym and nobody blew up his spot. Way to keep it cool, guys.

Oh God I'm making sun tea I've become my mother please send help

Man!!! I coulda been watchin NARCOS..

thx NYC Web Fest for the Straight Marriage nods! @chrisburnscrap & i will don our finest gown & flannel, respectively bit.ly/2dZuPCT

Man, unless I'm watching Mystic Pizza, I always forget that Matt Damon was in Mystic Pizza.

Damn, you know what's awful? Only watching the last 20 minutes of Mystic Pizza then realizing you want to watch all of Mystic Pizza.

My lyft driver told me I was going to be the next jlo . Your lips to God's ears, buddy! #shadesofblue

The problem with my boyfriend's new Casper mattress is that I haven't been home in 4 days. If you see my roommate please tell her I'm ok.

Oh Megabus this really blows

I'm at MSP Airport and security is a shit show of European airport strike proportions

American Horror Story: Abandoned Mall

Today is my one year live in brooklynniversary! My waistlines have never been higher!

My friends are upset because they feel I misled them about having seen Boss Baby when I have never seen Boss Baby. #bossbaby