I just know he’s hitting a crazy griddy

The thing they’re not considering about arresting trump is how Cool that’s gonna make him

Paying for escargot is just a finders fee, the snails on the ground are free

I Write Zyns Not Tragedies

Whenever I boil up a pot of potatoes I feel like a cheerful peasant

Just dreamt up a new type of guy: LinkedIn recruiter that asks you for your “wage of consent” instead of preferred salary range

These people are completely missing the whole point of going to public school: preventing kids from becoming weird nerds

My natty status was called into question and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a bigger compliment

Slipping the Davis DJ a crisp benny and asking him if he can play Three Days Grace

My favorite thing about this kind of tweet is that these people are completely unable to grasp that anyone who creates any kind of value (doesn’t have a fake email job) simply can’t move to places like this because the dominant employers are like Circle K and Burger King

When you’re 16 is the only socially acceptable time to be smoking pot

My celebrity crush is Elizabeth Holmes

No one shocked at this tiktok has ever been in a liveout

Weed is indeed lame but god this is unforgivable nerd behavior

White parents love naming their daughters Regan

Hell of a tweet hilldawg

This is my big year (I’m gonna try going to the doctor)

The consumer aesthetic sucks so much, it is not and never will be a personality trait to be really good at consuming like local organically sourced oat milk or whatever

Insane that all I do is win by dj Khaled plays during the ending credits of Oppenheimer

Few things as humiliating as trying to take off a sweaty compression shirt in public