i am committed to living in a state of wonder (asking why A LOT)

I pulled into a resort and their speed limit was 14mph. Not ten, not fifteen. 14.

[in meeting] Guy who likes to hear himself speak & never shuts tf up: Jin do u have anything? Me: Nope I'm good Guy: to add Me: no I'm good Guy: that I missed or Me: Nope thanks I'm all set Guy: anything else to go over? ME: *slamming my face into my desk Longlegs style*

I saw a bus that said “EMERGENCY CALL 911” where the bus number would normally be. So I called. I like to think I saved Keanu today.

I’m a go-with-the-flow person as long as the flow has been planned at least 3 days in advance

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Keeping my hospital bracelet on so I can get back in without paying again.

I'm at the age where I Google every medication from commercials, just to see if I’ll need it—and if it'll make me poop my pants.

Solsbury Hill just came on and I wrote an entire RomCom in 4 minutes

He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink He blows Chunksawumba

My vibes are real and they’re spectacular

the only way to stop a bad guy with a billion dollars is with a good guy with a billion dollars

me: dating is hard me on a date: a nose can’t be 12 inches long bc then it would be a foot

Might fuck around and put on my spectacles and say, “Referring to things as “cringe” is ‘cringeWerthy,’” and then hand you a Werther’s.

Nothing irritates the zoo’s new gorilla enclosure project manager like calling his Gantt chart his Plan It of the Apes.

HR: and at 7:56am you tweeted “presidents of the United States of America voice, music emoji, moving to the poop store gonna eat some diarrhea, music emoji” Me: umm, I’m not sure. Could you… could you maybe sing it?

some people make being mad on the internet their entire personality and it's like have you tried not doing that?! it's pretty fun!!!! let's go girls

How do people not wake themselves up when they snore

You don’t want to date me; I’ll make you watch Twilight