Uh oh, I accidentally became Marc Maron.

k, but like, should I make these t-shirts?

I understand the friends theme song more and more with each passing year. #jobsajoke #yourbroke #lovelifesDOA #clapclapclapclap

It me!

It also me!

Overhearing a group of friends explain to each other the specific differences between how each of their parents sang that "Love you forever" Robert Munsch song is my culture.

I feel very seen by this. Chill your dick, I could camp if I wanted and it would be better than how you do it.

Guys, I'm feeling really nostalgic for Lady Gaga's 100 people in the room speech.

Have you ever noticed that moving to Australia for love has literally never worked out?

#WeTheNorth #NBAChampions #BeAwareAndDeclare Border Services Officer: Do you have anything to declare? Toronto Raptors:

Honestly, Plans are for architects. You know?

It’s 2020 ladies, dick pics are out and clit bait is in. #clitbait

In 2020, International Women’s Day earns only 23 hours to every full day of its male counterpart. A gender time gap of 4.2%. #DaylightSavings #InternationalWomensDay

That week between Christmas and New Year’s is, I guess, my whole life now?

How long do I gotta grow out this pixie cut before I can describe it as “quite French”?

2020 has destroyed the small talk game. Now I’m like “Nice to meet you. Have you written your city councillor? Why aren’t you wearing a mask? What are your inherited traumas?”

Me: oh, Viggo Mortensen My mom: oh, Victor Morgenstern

Proposal to add modifier sequence to pizza emoji

I assume John Mayer only wears his own merch and only listens to his own music and I really respect that. #MayerGoals

#ArtistOfTheDay: Owen Fawcett in Thom Pain (Theatre By Committee) because wow. Only 2 shows left. See it now or spend the rest of the year saying "Kelly, shut up about that show I didn't see!" Tickets Here: theatrebycommittee.com/tickets/