You ever workout and eat healthy for a week & realize you’d rather be a lil thick

*me giving a ted talk* you ever just sit back and realize there’s deadass ppl who live in Wyoming

really tryna date someone who doesnt like pickles so every time their lunch comes with a pickle on the side i can eat it

if u got ghosted recently remember at least it’s spooky season

service dog I know I can’t pet: 👀 me: 👀

a group of me & my patriots in the siblings on Boston harbor thanksgiving 🤝 spilling the tea

“but they’re here illegally” you could not pay me to give a fuck

back like i never left. first tech hq i ever saw in sf? twitter. came out a week later. years later, i’m gayer, wiser, and finally funny. this is my thank u, next era. let’s tweet. 📱🐦🪦 #BackInSession #WishICouldSayThankYouToElon #SafetyFirst

dudes named Morgan will deadass punch a hole in drywall then be like “it’s just how I process emotions” bro just cry like the rest of us not commit structural damage

Xoxo Ghostface

Ghostface: “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Grizz (my 90-lb security system): *barks in shareholder value* Me, twirling the mask: “The one where we slash vulnerabilities and still make it to dinner.” 🐾🔪💻 #DogDadOps #CyberScream

austin tech bros be like: “we care about your privacy 💖” and then proceed to sell your face scan to raytheon for a taco nft

Straight men will code-switch between ‘I’m the provider’ and ‘ask your mother’ like it’s a full-time job. They’ll bench 180 at 6am, forget their wife’s birthday by noon, and Venmo her $40 for groceries with a thumbs up emoji. 👍

#GotMilk #HappyPride 🌁🥛🌈

Thought I’d end up with Sean, but he lived in Texas, called himself masc, and only communicated in shirtless gym selfies and vague playlists. thank u, next 💋

i wish i was a guest at the royal wedding just so when something dramatic happened I could turn to the person sitting next to me & be like “now that’s some tea”