Interviewer: Any questions? Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Welcome to your fifties, you stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror now.

The CDC says shake your Magic Eight ball.

*eats a carrot* *checks off new year’s resolution*

A spoon is better than a fork. There, I said it.

All I’m saying is if the earth is flat then why are globes so round?

I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.

Top Five Things A Husband Shouldn’t Do: 5. Put the decorative towels in the wrong place 4. Put the groceries in the wrong place 3. Put the dishes in the wrong place 2. Put it in the wrong place 1. Put the throw pillows in the wrong place

All I’m saying is, if I was alive when it happened then it’s current events not history.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I explain at least five different things to her during the day.

Ten degrees below freezing and chill?

As a child I always thought there would be less make believe as an adult.

Might fuck around and start a twitter feud then go to bed.

I hope that even my worst critics remain on Twitter, because that is what free speech means

Sliding the tips of her toes over the line he draws Carving out perimeters testing his patience with sass Handling her disobedience with a sultry grin on his face Teaching His spry brat A well deserved lesson

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. #myfirsttweeter

My daughter just poured a whole ass gallon of milk on the floor while I was trying to shit. #fuck

The heart is such a fickle little thing that can drive even the purest of souls insane

Beat by beat Is how the heart heals

Tell me you are from the south, without telling me you are from the south. I'll go first. I've been skinny dipping in the same pond I was baptized in!