“We’re talking 100% pure New Zealand Whey. I just snorted some off the 70-pound dumbbell I keep in my backpack for on-the-go full-body workouts. You want a pump bump?” Bit of bro humor for Points in Case pointsincase.com/articles/are-y…

This year let’s have a nice, relaxing, low-key New Year’s Eve orgy. Would it be so wrong to bring back the simple holesome group sex fun of yesteryear? pointsincase.com/articles/this-… David Henne

George was silent. Lennie said, "George." "Yeah?" "I ate another bad thing." "Lemme guess, chicken nuggets." George said, and he fell silent again. mcsweeneys.net/articles/of-mi…

Excited to share an excerpt from Dictionary of Fine Distinctions in McSweeney's today! And great timing, too, because the book is now officially out! mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-ex…

"Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get the chance to start a second family." mcsweeneys.net/articles/at-th…

Proud father of a new McSweeney's piece (weight: 500 words): “Frankly, it’s unconstitutional that rampant inflation is keeping me from achieving paternal inflation.” mcsweeneys.net/articles/at-th…

Some tips from The New Yorker Humor on how to form a solid morning routine. For starters, my strict routine has me waking up at the exact same time every single day—anywhere between 10 A.M. and 2 P.M. nyer.cm/reuIWgA

I am so flipping excited to be back in The New Yorker Humor! Sharing my super strict, highly regimented morning routine.  newyorker.com/humor/shouts-m…

"Shorts are for basketball players and AC/DC guitarist Angus Young. Do I look like I’m seven feet tall or an Australian rock legend? No, I’m 5’4” and completely tone-deaf." mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-th…

“Who needs friends when you have man’s best friend? Intrusive thoughts.” New piece for Points in Case. No, but I really do prefer being alone—unless, why, you wanna do something? pointsincase.com/articles/i-hon…

"Death just isn’t for me. Only for you and everyone else. Which is sad. Not 'me dying' sad, mind you, but still quite sad." New one for Slackjaw 🚀 medium.com/slackjaw/its-c…

"My four-wheel drive and independent front-end suspension were meant for climbing up treacherous mountainside roads in remote Alaska, not speed humps in the school drop-off line." Latest for Slackjaw 🚀. (I drive a compact sedan, fyi.) medium.com/slackjaw/im-an…

“Why was it a requirement that we all study at the prestigious International School of Dramatic Corporeal Mime in Paris? Seems a bit excessive, no?” New one for Slackjaw 🚀: medium.com/slackjaw/im-in…

What’s your passion in life? What lights you up? Why can’t you just find a well-paying job doing that? New piece in The New Yorker Humor today newyorker.com/humor/shouts-m…

Today: A little young to be having kids! 1884: Has fathered seven kids so far, ten if you include the ones who were taken early by the whooping cough. My latest for the New Yorker's Shouts & Murmurs newyorker.com/humor/shouts-m…

My latest for The New Yorker Humor: What to Do if You Find Paul Giamatti Hiding in Your Christmas Tree. (It happens more often than you might think.) Happy Holidays! newyorker.com/humor/shouts-m…

It can be days before you notice Paul Giamatti hiding in your Christmas tree. Prepare with some tips on what to do if you find the two-time Academy Award nominee hiding in your Douglas fir. newyorkercartoons.visitlink.me/mS0pO4

“Your personal relationships are never going to be better than they are right now. Which is a tough pill to swallow, considering you’re an absolute mess in that department.” Written in the prime of my life for McSweeney's mcsweeneys.net/articles/your-…