Spending every Christmas party I go to convincing people there was a Ramone named Bucky

I love watching my boyfriend sleep he looks like a dead Abercrombie and Fitch model

When my 70-year-old dentist puts his fingers in my mouth is that grooming

Donald Trump just appointed the Slack Notifcation Sound as Secretary Of Annoying Me!!!!!

Tried wearing eyeshadow today and someone asked what happened to me

Headed to London tomorrow to find out once and for all if British people are real

In London for the first time. So far British people are pretty much exactly as they’re portrayed in Austin powers

Every guy in London dresses like he bought his outfit at the build a bear workshop

I can’t even call Luigi hot because that’s basically like admitting I’m attracted to my cousins

Accidentally ordering basketball shorts from penises.com instead of dick's

Timothee chalamet needs to be with an A-cup. Period

David Lynch’s influence is everywhere youtu.be/7boeDmPBZX8?si…

Love to ruin the vibe at work by having “a few concerns”

Taking my dreams as a sign from the universe and pulling all my teeth out

Leaving a half-eaten hard boiled egg with a lipstick stain on it in the ashtray

Me calmly enduring turbulence after remembering the airplane jello theory

Airlines let you do literally anything in first class. I’m up here telling everyone the ending to Lost

The kids would’ve died so fast if honey I shrunk the kids was real

M. night shyamalan movie where the twist is just that they were all irish the whole time