My mate just phoned me to say he was changing his name to ‘Mr Spinal Column’. I said, “Can I call you back?”

Spot the problem.

I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club five minutes late. They said, ‘Oh, nice of you to join us.’ I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently that they’ve decided to fire me. Keyboard manufacturing isn’t as easy as it looks.

My mate walked into a mirror shop and said, ‘I want a mirror, you fat ugly bastard.’ ‘I’m over here, sir,’ said the shopkeeper.

Has anyone else noticed that the word 'Female' is just, 'Male', but with the periodic table symbol for 'Iron' attached. Coincidence?

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn’t take it any longer. Two dragons walk into a bar. One dragon says, ‘It’s warm in here.’ The other says, ‘Shut your mouth.’

what an absolute bargain from Asda

😂😂

Very niche building blocks in #berlin

Go in the garden as planned, get all the bits out pees with rain, no rain forecast, run around packed everything away go back indoors and rain stops, now I cannot be arsed

youtu.be/wS3LWOTCW4A

Giving Twitter a break for a while catch up soon