Finland: you’ve won. #Eurovision

How much for extensions as long as the Czechs have? Wow. #Eurovision

Australia: what’s that Targa top car? Too big for a Fiat X1-9. MR2 maybe? Also, when did 1987 happen again? #Eurovision anyone remember Jesus Jones btw?

Belgium: it was ok until the vogue-ing started. So… about 4 seconds. also, who wears that?! I’ll pay you £5 to spend ten minutes in that garb anywhere else in Liverpool tonight. Trust me, you’ll be beaten up and robbed of everything but those godawful trousers. #Eurovision

Armenia: a solid (though certainly not winning) song. Nothing funny or ridiculous I can say about it. My sincere apologies to those who expected more of me. #EUROVISION

Moldova ALWAYS deliver. Shame it’s not Zdob Zdub again. But it seems the ‘little person’ from my dreams has appeared (see previous tweets). Oh, hang on - I think this is the guy who tried to get me to join his Yogic cult outside Stevenage train station the other day. #EUROVISION

Ukraine: it’s like they’ve re-released Lawnmower Man but with slightly better effects. #the90s #betyouforgotaboutthatfilm #EUROVISION

Hahahaha Norway this is amazing. Like a techno hymn to Joan of Arc crossed with “I kissed a girl” and. Soupçon of Skrillex thrown in. Awesome. You’ll have to fight with Finland for my vote… #EUROVISION

Germany: Himmler will be spinning in his grave with the sight of those trousers. But he’d probably also be secretly excited, the kinky bugger. #EUROVISION

Lithuania: clearly summoning up some kind of entity with all that symbolism… #EUROVISION

The power of a *unicorn*? That famously non-existent horse? Oh I’m sure you’ll be imbued with all the power of the strip club you clearly trained at. #Eurovision (I’m so sorry, I really don’t mean it)

Slovenia: this is why I watch #EUROVISION. They’re not trying to play for votes, they’re singing in their own language, they’re dressed like Procul Harem and their air guitar skills are incredible. I love you, Slovenia, please can I move to your country…?

Croatia: why do I get the feeling that this should be really offensive? It’s utterly insane. Definitely in my top 3. That *IS* Admiral Karl Dönitz, right? #Eurovision

Oh. UK back to “Gemini” form after last year’s highs. Obviously we don’t want to pay to host it again, a La Father Ted. #Eurovision

Seriously, who chose this as the best representative of our great musical country? It’s atrocious. It’s like something Malta would have sung in 2009. Godawful. #Eurovision

Oh ITVX I see you’re streaming at 8 frames per second again. What the F is wrong with you?!

lol ITV Football “Slovakia, the underdog” - uhhhh no, WE are the underdog. It’s that mentality that makes us play for 80% possession with 1 shot on target…

My god this is nightmare fuel.

I thought that French song about pooper scoopers was pretty catchy. My hearing’s isn’t what it once was, but still enjoying proceedings nonetheless… #Eurovision