Grand Canyon... More like raging slut bitch prostitute whore AMIRIGHT???

Excuse me! Sir! I think your child is screaming because you haven't thrown it out the window with a stick of dynamite and a chainsaw yet :)

Fanny packs were invented in 2003 by the lead pianist of The Fray in order to hide his uncontrollable noontime erections.

I am brutally murdered in front of my family by Lithuanian tribesmen more or less than 16 times a day.

It's all fun and games until someone comes down with the Black Plague

"Sir, come pick up your child. It's been two hours since school finished" Fuck off and chuck it in the dumpster I found a new one in tha pub

"Call me daddy OH YEAH CALL ME DADDY!!!!" Rick! Stop yelling into the baby monitor; I just put him to sleep!

I've decided to quit my job as the head navigator of the Spanish Armada and retire to Idaho where I will bury myself alive FOLLOW UR DREAMZ!

Contrary to popular belief, potatoes and small children DO NOT react the same way when buried. Kids need extra fertilizer.

At one point Hillary Clinton was a sperm. So much for feminism.

YEAST IS A LIVING ORGANISM!!!! IT HAS RIGHTS TOO!!!!!!! Goddamn communists...

Some moments are so beautiful that one is naturally overwhelmed with the urge to unite an army of fennec foxes and seize New York City.

My favorite parody account on Twitter:

Maple syrup exports account for 68% of Canada's GDP.

As well as disaffirming humanity's hypothetical evolution into omnipresent computers with the capacity to manipulate space and time.

Trump: We will begin immediate implementation of my "Stop and Frisk *cough*thepussy*cough* Act" Paul Ryan: Excuse me?

Breaking: Joe Biden's teeth made of "fake ivory" produced in Bangladeshi sweat shop. textuploader.com/ddfgb

Could business mogul and genius, Kylie Jenner find a cure for HIV/AIDS virus if she tried? textuploader.com/ddfgb

Marketing strategist and national treasure Kylie Jenner discovers there is more out there than what most people can see. x.com/kyliejenner/st…