I’m thinking about getting a drone so I can finally see some tiddies.

Sometimes you gotta shove an ice cube up your ass.

My grandpa was a master fisherman. All his years fishing he always took my grandma. When I asked him why she wasn’t a master fisherman, he told me it was because she was a master baiter and that’s why he loved having her with him.

Have you heard about all these illegal exorcisms that are happening? They get busted and everyone is charged with possession.

What do you call an enlightened potato? -a meditater

How do you get a turtle to cum? You rub its’ clitortoise. (This is my favorite joke so far)

A sausage delivery van crashed down the street from my house. Apparently it took a turn for the wurst.

Bout to watch Daniel Craig get his testicles smashed in Casino Royale.

Did you hear about the cannibal college professor? Hannibal Lecturer.

When I lower my arm rest it makes a noise like the Tardis.

Phoenix. Is a weird place.

Ulcers and anger. All the time.

Slingshots and wrist rockets are illegal to possess or sell in Scranton and Dickson City. But I can buy an AK.

I can't stop thinking about Willow.

After watching #Rambo3 for the first time, it's clear that we should have never went to Afghanistan. In a way I'm pretty serious.

I like the malleability of the English language.

Hungry for everything.

When I die, I'm gonna really miss farting.

Krychek is about to get his arm cut off but I have to go to work. :(

EAT MY BALLS STOCK MARKET!!!