The funniest thing about trial is explaining a legal concept in two hours that took me three years to learn to a juror whose entire understanding of the legal system comes from 30‑second TikToks, while opposing counsel sprinkles in some objections. Meanwhile half the jury is

Pre-COVID hearings: Wake up at 6 AM, iron the “good” suit, drive an hour downtown, fight for parking, sweat through your shirt carrying binders nobody ever read, wait for hours in an old moldy courtroom hoping you wouldn’t be called last, 5 minute argument and a 30-second ruling.

Trial should be be more like a tennis match. Each side gets 3 challenges. Judge rules? You hit the buzzer. Issue goes to instant replay with ChatGPT + Westlaw. Halfway through the day, counsel must swap tables. Keeps the energy fresh and prevents territorial advantage, plus, jury

Lawyer leading compliance training: “As a general rule of thumb, you aren’t allowed to hug a coworker from a behind EVEN IF it’s a Coldplay concert. Got it?”

When you know the judge is besties with opposing counsel but you can't prove it

Hyper-successful lawyers think differently. I met a divorce lawyer in MA making $20M/yr. I asked how much he spends on marketing? billboards? Ads? He looked confused: “Marketing? I make my own business. Who do you think was running the Jumbotron cam at the Coldplay concert?”

Inflation made eggs $8, rent a mortgage payment, and lawyers $1k an hour to copy-paste motions. But serving someone in person, on their property, where they might actually murder you? Still $100. Arizona Iced Tea and process servers, holding the line for decades.

John Wick is secretly the greatest love story. Man leaves the hitman life for a woman, she dies, her last gift is a puppy. They kill the puppy and he basically says fine, I’ll burn the entire planet down. Shakespeare could never.

Opposing counsel just filed a Motion with four em dashes. It also says “in today’s ever-evolving legal landscape” and “let’s unpack this.”

“You look happier” Thanks, a client used both Google and ChatGPT to triple check if I was right and I was.

Defense Counsel be like "I know a spot 😉" and then remove the case to federal court

Florida’s Tipsy Coachman Doctrine: The judge butchers every legal argument, takes a wrong turn, crashes into a Publix but somehow ends up at the right ruling. And the appellate court goes, “Beautiful. We’ll allow it.”

Law school didn’t teach me how to practice law. It taught me how to argue with people I love, over-explain basic concepts to non-lawyers, and disassociate while pretending to care about "policy considerations." Also, student loan interest is my longest relationship

Winning a motion you didn’t prep for because the judge hates the other side is the closest you’ll ever get to divine intervention in this profession. Don’t question it. Just smile, nod, and pretend you “strategically anticipated that ruling.”

°✩ 🎀 𝒜𝓇𝓉 𝒞𝒽𝒶𝒹 🎀 ✩° Alcohol is a poison that makes you drawn to Chili’s so you order a triple dipper and get a DUI.

your lawyer friend on any given night

Sorry I snapped at you... Westlaw froze and 27 tabs are gone, I still haven't put in my time for July, I have 30 hours of CLE due in four months, and my suit felt weird.

Sometimes you might feel like no one’s there for you. But you know who’s always there for you? Discovery. Discovery will always be there for you.