The look of confusion/disappointment when asked if I’m a Blue Jays fan and my reply is “oh you mean the famed lacrosse team of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore? Ya! They’re great!” > sex

I was thinking about why there are so many women on fb with 2 first names. Then I remembered that 99.4% of men are psychopaths.

New year who dis

I’m a loser babyyyyy

Every time I play the guitar, I destroy my fucking hands.

Heated seats only have 2 settings: “ooo ya that’s nice” and “I may have pissed my pants”.

There should be a falafel place called unlawful falafel.

Cops are straight up like, we’ll fucking kill you if you keep saying that we kill people

The color of my skin has kept me invisible to a narrative written so deeply into history that the present keeps trying to give me permission to forget. I will not forget. #BlackLivesMatter

I’ve been concerned about a lot of people during the pandemic. But most of all, and now more than ever, I need to know that Tom Hanks is okay.

Why do people on the phone say “okay well, I’m gonna let you go but…” and then talk for another 47 minutes about some bullshit?

I feel bad watching people parallel park but they leave me no choice

I just wanna see what happens when someone offers a snickers to an angry person who’s lactose intolerant and allergic to nuts.

Some of you producers have never used a SM7B like a hammer to bust up coke rocks and it shows.

Acid is crazy. You go from your normal self, as you’ve always been, to someone who completely implodes when asked “when are the curtains?”

🎵is it too late now to make coffeeeee🎵

Converses but they’re shaped like little Mack trucks. Call them Convoys. Get them for you and your friends. Say “10-4 good buddy” to each other. Be happy.

A&W but they’re the home of the burger stepfamily

People who “why me?” are also often incredulous to karma.

Cats have such a weird relationship with tin foil. Roll it up into a ball, cats are like “this is the central hub of all of my excitement and happiness, now, and forever more”. Lay that shit flat on the ground, cats are like “absolutely the fuck not”.