ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients. RECIPE SITE: Sure! ME: Thank you. RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients— ME: *Whispers* No. RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

How come it’s always birthday Cake and never birthday Nachos?

Whenever I see baseball on tv, I just wish it was Major League.

Sometimes a mosh pit just looks like a square dance where no one is listening to the caller.

Look, I made you dinner and set the house on fire, the least you can do is get me another glass of wine.

HELLO!? Diedrich Bader gets it.

Natural selection should try harder.

John Paul Jones likes my cheesecake.

Everybody says give your kid and Barbie and she’ll have body issues, but NO ONE said anything about giving your kid a My Little Pony and she’ll tattoo her ass!

I don’t really wanna work at a place where I have to wear shorts all the time unless it’s the zoo.

Does this mean Trump will be the first person to be legally evicted during COVID times?

Ya know what bothers me? As a species, we can put a man on the moon. We’re working on a thing to send a person to Mars. But, even as adults, we spill food out of our mouths.

3rd grade math’s a fucken setup

Ya know what’s due for a comeback? Videos of people flippin outta hammocks.

Everyone’s got an opinion and it’s wrong.

this is what happens when decisions about rape victims are made by the rapists

Just one part of Thomas v. Women

I wonder what it’s like to go through life just totally graceful.

Don’t you think it’s pretty bonkers that we’re just casually sending billionaires to space but I still have to take my shoes off at the airport?

HARRIS: Let’s build 3 million new homes TRUMP: Let’s do a national day of violence POLLS: Statistically tied