I'd sell my soul for a good sandwich.

"They don't see you, but I see you" is possibly the most jarring thing you could ever say to a narcissist.

What was the best decade, and why was it the 80's.

Do you ever look at someone and go “I’m so fucking glad you’re someone else’s problem”

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It's just an onion man why don't you relax

Guess I'll find something interesting to watch on Netflix so I can fall asleep and miss most of it as usual.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Friends with coffee are the true friends with benefits.

I'm sorry if I haven't retweeted you in awhile. The algorithm no longer shows me people I follow, just random birthdays, sober anniversaries, and occasionally pictures of girls in lingerie petting chickens.

You should have read the fine print, my darling.. I am not for the faint of heart.

Alexa, turn off politics

In the late 80s, you could just decide to start wearing a beret and no one would say anything.

H: have you taken into consideration that MAYBE the world doesn’t revolve around you? M: LOL no

Your chance of survival solely depends on myself drinking coffee.

a funeral for who we used to be

“You made your bed, now lie in it.” You think that’s a threat? I’ll go lie in it right now.

Everybody is fixing their bodies, nobody is fixing their souls.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.